Thirst Trap: Girl Crush Edition
One day in sunny June, I was minding my business hunting down an open coffee shop when a squat, ugly man yelled, “Sodom and Gomorrah!” at me from his stupid little bike. For context, the Philly Pride Festival was happening nearby, and I suppose he had a metaphorical bug up his butt about it. He was lucky to catch me too decaffeinated to clap back with a witty retort. Instead, I just stood there with all my flabbers gasted and not so much as a Starbucks in sight.
First of all, the only Gamora I recognize is from Guardians of the Galaxy. Secondly, had I been participating in the festivities instead of working yet another weekend, bay-bee! I would have shown up in my most splendiferous finery; and third, I have been tragically heterosexual my whole entire life. It’s wild to assume that a Black woman with sensible shoes, an asymmetrical haircut, and a body built by menopause and carbohydrates is a lesbian, but also…point taken. Touché, motherfucker, touché.
It’s cool, though. I am always willing to take one for the other team, and it inspired me to create another one of these Thirst Trap articles, where my intrusive thoughts do all the writing. I’ve recently learned that some people find the term “girl crush” othering, and I hope that’s not how you take it. In 2004, I took the Kinsey test after watching the movie Kinsey starring Liam Neeson, and I barely nudged past zero on the scale. Since then, I’ve shifted to Tom Holland doing “Umbrella” on Lip Sync Battle. What number is assigned to straight women frequently attracted to gay men? ’cause the way I would risk it all for Jonathan Bailey.
That is to say, I am woefully underqualified to speculate on who lesbians or bisexual women find attractive. Instead, I’ve taken the Nelly Furtado Maneater approach because “you-either-wanna-be-with-me-or-be-me” is bars, and one might ask, “Why not both?” I was only hot for about five days back in 1992, so yeah, let me walk in those Ferragamos for one single day. As an artist with an appreciation for beauty in all its forms, I am frequently seated to watch these women on screen so I can gaze in wonder and drool.
Additional disclaimers: these thirst traps are actor-specific. I didn’t include women known primarily as singers or models because, clearly, they would dominate. ICYMI, this page belongs to a cis-hetero, GenX Black woman who’d choose the bear over dating men and loves to promote people of color and other underrepresented groups. So, now that’s all settled, let’s make like a clean version of the Black Eyed Peas and get it started.
The Bombshells
Big bosomed badass bosses serving body-ody-ody for days.
1. HANNAH WADDINGHAM
You’re probably feeling thirsty because this custom Marchesa gown Hannah wore to the 75th Emmy Awards makes her look like a whole bottle of Sprite. Before her Emmy-winning role as Rebecca Welton in Ted Lasso (2020–2023), she had a formidable career in West End musical theater. Well, of course, she can sing; just look at those…lungs. Are we sure this is the “shame, shame” lady from Game of Thrones? I can’t imagine anyone working in the same room with her without doing this:
2. WUNMI MOSAKU
As Ruby Baptiste in Lovecraft Country (2020), Wunmi had some scenes that I will never be able to unsee: the stiletto beat down, those crazy white woman transformations, and her figure in those high-waisted orange shorts. She’s a big girl, but Loki (2021–2023) did her dirty with that boxy afro and RoboCop uniform. They should have cast her as Renslayer instead of Gugu Mbatha-Raw, who was intimidating no one when this woman could snap her in half like a twig. I wish she would use that time stick to zap me into oblivion.
3. EVA MENDES
Y’all need to stop playing with Eva Mendes like she’s still not giving you Sophia Loren-era pinups on Instagram every day. I don’t care how extensive her beauty regimen is if these are the results. She may or may not return to acting, but she’s cashing in that face card as a brand ambassador for everything else. Shit, you wouldn’t see much of me either if I was Ryan Gosling’s wife. I’d be too busy fucking, giggling, and depositing checks — #relationshipgoals.
4. KEKE PALMER
Keke not only got curves from her post-partum glow-up but also dropped 150+ lbs of dusty-ass, baby daddy dead weight after he tried to slut-shame her about the dress she wore to the Usher concert in Vegas. What was he thinking coming for the highest-paid child star of her time and our most beloved meme queen? The clapback of her staring in Usher’s “Boyfriend” video must have had that man down bad. I genuinely hope he never recovers. Sorry, not sorry, to this man.
5. SALMA HAYEK
Salma Hayek has been engaging in iconic, queen-shit behavior since Desperado (1995). I know you can see the date on that magazine cover, but the math ain’t mathing. This actress, director, producer, and philanthropist keeps flexing that bikini-ready body on us every chance she gets. Channing Tatum is 13 years her junior, and in Magic Mike’s Last Dance (2023), he was flipping her around like a tortilla in a pan.
The Sirens
Ultra-femme seductresses that compel others to make terrible decisions.
6. ANA DE ARMAS
Hey Ana, could you step off our necks for one fucking moment? The way she went from the pretty home healthcare worker in Knives Out (2019) to a full-fledged Bond girl in No Time To Die (2021) had my jaw on the floor! The faith she had in that low-cut gown and some dress tape. Casting her as Marilyn Monroe in Blonde (2022) was even more shocking. Norma Jean been dead since 1962, and they’d sooner choose a Latina for that role before they’ll ever put that woman’s soul to rest.
7. SIMONE ASHLEY
No matter how many seasons of Bridgerton (2020 — ) they give us, a piece of my heart will always belong to Simone as Kate Sharma in Season 2. “You are the bane of my existence. And the object of all my desires.” had me weeping snotty tears. That man is no gentleman. I couldn’t sleep, knowing what it was like to have Jonathan Bailey’s face between my thighs. If I were her, when we finished taping, I’d be sitting in my trailer, thinking, “What are we?”
8. RUTH NEGGA
Ruth Negga looks like she was born in the wrong era, which was perfect for her role as Mildred in Loving (2016), the woman whose interracial marriage resulted in the 1967 Supreme Court decision. She also brings that throwback style to Preacher (2016–2019) as Tulip, a wild woman on a mission to find God with her possessed boyfriend and a vampire. Ruth is Ethiopian-Irish, and I’m going to ignore the fact that Negga sounds like the n-word spoken with a Brogue accent.
9. MORENA BACCARIN
Morena had Captain Mal twisted as Inara Serra, the high-class sexual companion, in that one measly season they gave us of Firefly (2002–2003). I love that her role in Spy (2015) was to epitomize the look of a femme fatale comparison to Melissa McCarthy and her tall, goon-like friend. Dead or alive, she’ll return as Wade’s fiancé, Vanessa, in Deadpool and Wolverine (2024). I know she can’t wait until it’s International Women’s Day.
10. ZENDAYA
Zendaya is on everybody’s list because she’s 100% that bitch, and here’s why: although she can slay all day on the red carpet and every single photoshoot, she is never afraid to appear on camera looking regular-degular. It’s a good reminder that the perfection we see from Hollywood starlets is partially achieved with smoke and mirrors, even if you start the magic trick with a loaded deck.
The Bohemians
Rare, esoteric beauties with an indestructible spirit.
11. JANELLE MONAE
I know what I said about singers, and I said what I said. Unlike some singer/actors (who shall remain nameless), Janelle has been successful in doing both. Her style is unmatched; her beauty is flawless; her body is ridiculous. That “Waterslide” video is just — whew — if hot sex on a platter were a person! On the red carpet, in music videos, candid shots, and editorials, she just eats and eats and eats.
12. MING-NA WEN
If you’re a real one (or a real old one), then you remember Ming-Na Wen from As The World Turns (1988–1991), The Joy Luck Club (1993), and ER (1995–2004). This means on Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D. (2013–2020), she was doing stunts and fight choreography well into her fifties. Filters be damned, this woman looks 🔥🔥🔥Meanwhile, I can’t put a fitted sheet on my bed without getting winded.
13. ROSARIO DAWSON
I remember two things from the film adaptation of Rent (2005): This musical only has that one good song, and Rosario Dawson is really hot. What did Senator Cory Booker’s corny ass do to deserve such a blessing? Rosario has been giving main character energy for years. I did not watch Claire Temple hook up with Daredevil and Luke Cage for things to end up for her like this. It’s about time she gets to play the hero as the titular former Jedi in the Disney/Star Wars series Ahsoka (2023-).
14. ZAZIE BEETZ
Although I’m not a fan of its creator, Atlanta (2016–2022) is a brilliant show that brought us Zazie Beetz. From there, she’s been in three movies, Deadpool 2 (2018), The Harder They Fall (2021), and Bullet Train (2022), where her job is to kick so much ass while looking utterly flawless. She’s recently cut her hair short, and… it’s okay…I’m fine with it 😭. I’m still gonna get that Domino costume together for Halloween. Just as soon as I find my waistline and a big enough afro.
15. OLIVIA MUNN
Olivia Munn’s list of credits goes crazy since 2008: The Daily Show (2010–2019), Iron Man 2 (2010), Magic Mike (2012), New Girl (2011–2018), X-Men: Apocalypse (2016), Oceans 8 (2018), and RuPaul’s Drag Race as a judge in 2020. Besides being drop-dead gorgeous, she might be the most interesting woman in the world. She was born in Oklahoma and raised in Tokyo, has a blackbelt in taekwondo, is a breast cancer survivor, and has a child with comedian John Mulaney. That may seem like a questionable match unless you’re a fellow Cancer; then you see how that checks out.
The Romantics
Captivating, ethereal dreamgirls perfect for fantasies and romantic leads.
16. LUPITA NYONG’O
I know this one is a gimme, but you’ve got to let me have it. Lupita literally has the face of the Black Barbie from my childhood and a live-action Disney Princess. That’s how she tricked me into watching Us (2019) despite my dislike of horror movies. And, umm…is this a safe space to talk about the Joshua Jackson elephant in the room? It’s got to be the trunk if you know what I mean. I’m not even mad that he has a type because look at the material. Lupita and Jodie Turner-Smith? The rizz must be off the charts.
17. YVONNE STRAHOVSKI
Margot Robbie may be the Australian blonde of the moment, but for me, now and forever, it’s Yvonne Strahovski. To me, she’ll always be Sarah Walker from Chuck (2007–2012), the greatest spy romance ever told — as long as you don’t watch that unforgivable last season. Don’t let that uptight bitch she plays on The Handmaid’s Tale (2017–2022) fool you. That 2021 photoshoot for L’Official Fashion Book let the girlies know she’s still got the heat.
18. JESSICA CHASTAIN
It’s time for some redhead representation, and no, this isn’t Bryce Dallas Howard. If you’re still confused, Bryce is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal, and Jessica was the one sharing heated scenes with Oscar Issac in Scenes From a Marriage (2021) — both on and off the screen. She even admits their friendship will never be the same 😲.
I almost forgot she was in Lawless (2012) because I have trouble seeing other people when Tom Hardy is on the screen. Jessica is also interested in playing Poison Ivy in a film and, people, we need to make this happen.
19. CHARLIZE THERON
I don’t get too heated over too many blondes the way I do for Charlize Theron. Whether it’s a drama, romantic comedy, or an action movie, she carries. If she shows up in so much as a commercial, I will be seated. Some god-tier marketing genius at Christian Dior knew precisely what they were doing, giving her that gold backless dress for those J’Adore parfum ads. I hope they were paid handsomely and never have a bad day.
20. MEGHAN MARKLE, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX
Forget about being a Disney Princess; Meghan went on ahead and married herself an actual prince. I’ll never understand the ire she provokes in British people just from being a Beige-American. My only true queen is Beyoncé, who sayeth, “You know you that bitch when you ’cause all this conversation.” If nothing else, all this hoopla finally clued people into watching Suits (2011–19). The rest of us been knew.
The Sages
Timeless beauties with enduring grace, charm, and sophistication.
21. JULIA ROBERTS
Are the kids still saying “Mother?” Because this is it. The original Pretty Woman, Erin Brockovich, and Tess to George Clooney’s Danny Ocean. The list goes on and on. The hair, the smile, the laugh! Ugh — Mother. There, I’ve said it.
22. RACHEL WEISZ
The Mummy (1999) is best known as the movie where everybody in the cast can get it. Twenty-five years later, she’s still just as beautiful as ever. My inside source reports she’s also lovely to work with. Imagine walking around with the face of a porcelain doll. I would be insufferable.
23. CATE BLANCHETT
Sometimes, I just stare into space thinking about Cate Blanchett in these bangs riding a motorcycle in Ocean’s 8 (2018). Or that dark wig and smoky eye as Hela in Thor: Ragnarok (2017). Or that blunt bob she wore in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008). If you ever hear me say, “Wig!” this is what I mean.
24. MICHELLE YEOH
Michelle Yeoh is one of the best Bond Girls ever with Pierce Brosnan in Tomorrow Never Dies (1997). Her fighting style is so smooth and elegant. Talk about everything, everywhere, all at once! Lately, there hasn’t been a TV series or movie with Asians doing martial arts without her in it, and if she’s not in it, I don’t want it.
25. HALLE BERRY
There is no discussion about beautiful women that doesn’t include Halle Berry. Good Lord, this woman is a force. She had women all over chopping off their locks, trying to get that signature pixie cut. Did you see this bitch pantless on a skateboard for her 55th birthday? Or the selfies she took in an elevator wearing nothing but lingerie, a blazer, and heels? She’s determined to be a baddie for life.
I could add a few more to this list, but now I’m exhausted and feeling insecure. These women set the bar too damn high. It would take a team of professionals to whip me into shape, and I would fight them all the way. Oh well, I have to wrap this up. My sheets are dirty, so I’ve got to go limber up. Stay thirsty, my friends!
If you think other people might enjoy this article, please share or give it some👏 ! You can also subscribe to my Medium posts to receive automatic updates.
